New Rules for 2007

In our continuing effort to make everyone's life better...here are some new rules to help govern the way you can live your life for the year 2007. Please feel free to pass them on to people you know.

First a tip on fast food...

• Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

Next, don't feel sorry for this next group...

• Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."

Ladies, take note...

• Leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

For your shopping convenience...

• There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavoured water.

And finally, for those of you with children, pass this little nugget on to them...

• If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

I hope this has been helpfull.